Friday, November 6, 2009

Dear bathroom scale

Letters of Intent


Go on, you know you want to. Get your booty over to Julie's. You won't be sorry!

Dear Bathroom Scale,
I. HATE. YOU.
I'm sorry. Ok, no I'm not. I know HATE is a very strong word but gosh dang it! WHY must you be so evil and vindictive?! Don't you know that I have gotten up every morning for a walk because I love to excercise  the doctorsaid I have to work my jiggle buns down the side walk when I would much rather be in bed sleeping? How could that have missed your scaly grasp EVERY SINGLE MORNING?! Shouldn't those early morning, holy crap only God is up at this hour, morning walks have made even a few ounces of difference?!
Has it completely escaped your notice that I have foregone lunch for the last several week just to put me in your good graces?! I like to eat you freakin' piece of metal! I mean, I REALLY LIKE TO EAT!!
Have you not noticed that I have drastically reduced my evening white wine intake JUST TO MAKE YOU LOVE ME you stupid digital box laying on the bathroom floor?!?!
What is it going to take to get your GD numbers down?! I would take even slightly down at this point! I'm not picky! Really, I'm not!
You've gotten me so freakin' depressed I don't want to do anything. I don't want to Blog, sew, cook, bake, NOTHING. All I can think about is you. This relationship with you is like trying to get a puppy potty trained. It's like trying to get a hot boy in Junior High to notice my gawky self. It's like trying to get my daughters to pick up after themselves. It's like trying to get BSP to talk to me about serious shit. Are you getting the hint here?! You're not working with me!!!
Now, from here on out, you WILL start co-operating with me. I have a road trip coming up the day after Thanksgiving to see my High School girlfriends from 25 years ago. I want to walk into the room all at the same time instead of waiting for my ginormous booty making it's appearance 5 minutes later!
I'm warning you. Those crazy red digital numbers BETTER START GOING DOWN or your metal ass is out the door!
Stupid scale..


8 comments:

Big Mama Cass said...

It's a scale-conspiracy! They have all plotted against us! I think we should bring in the FBI on this. Or even the CIA maybe. Either or, these scales MUST be stopped!

Just Stacy said...

haha knew I would love the letter just by the title ... that is exactly why I've never owned a scale, they are worthless mean little shits

Just Stacy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jasmine said...

Lisa, your letter gave me a good chuckle. I hate the scale too. :)

Listen thanks for passing by Windmills and Tulips and commenting on my little girl. I appreciate the love.

Many blessings.

Windmills and Tulips. xox

Foursons said...

OK- get this. My husband OWNS A SCALE COMPANY! I know what I weigh to the 10th of a pound. And girl- NO ONE needs that kind of information! Seriously. I feel for ya'. Take the scale and toss it to the curb now. Just go by how your clothes feel and tell the numbers to take a flying leap.

Stone Fox said...

oh sigh. i, too, hate my scale, especially these days. i KNOW why mine is going up, though.

sounds like you are working really hard, maybe you just need a bit more time? and, are you walking *before* breakfast - in my experience, that makes all the difference.

good luck, and don't forget: BSP loves your jiggle buns no matter what, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Wife, mother...and now a grandma! said...

OMG!!! You amaze me with your funny self!! I do NOT own a scale but take myself faithfully to the doctor's office, a few blocks away, every other week and pray to see one pound less....maybe you should put a little space between you and your scale for a while.... absence makes the heart grow fonder right????

Love you to death!!! and trying to catch you online this weekend!!!

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